Getting Rougher

Things have gone a little rough for me these days.

Series of events led to my emotional downfall, though I've pondered on these things,
some I have managed to cope, however few left unprocessed.

I have been keen in keeping up with my schedules, things and space, in short I love neat and order. But there are things in which my power could no longer have impact on. Am I so powerless over these things.

People surrounding me and life's condition had dominated me instead of me leading them to what they're supposed to be.

Setting up expectations on things and people had brought so much frustrations on me. Then I tried not to expect, I tried to live by faith, yet I grew weary.

At times I've been wondering why my works have no significance or equal to other people, good deeds result to nothing. My works were ignored, disregarded, worst rejected.

I've been trying to gather some realization on these things, ponder on to ideas that could give me some specific answer. But I failed. Nothing have I gained.

In thoughts, am I the only one having these imaginings and realities? Or am I just too emotional not to cope up with these?

Have I been dependent on men and on to what they do? Or have I been ignoring my God in ways that I have not realized?

No matter how you perceived it, guilt is eating me up.

I'm pretty well aware that I'm not perfect nor anybody else, yet I have always been aiming to be better. Not with anybody else but a better me everyday - which I believed is way more important than comparing yourself to others.


May the Good GOD Bless us all.

For Reason, Season and Lifetime

As I have been trying to re-evaluate my purpose, I have came across an essay from an unknown author, and it did not only stirred me to write my thoughts but more it shook me up inside.

A R E A S O N A S E A S O N O R A L I F E T I M E

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

As what the saying goes, "no man is an island" and so had been our pursuit of making lots of friends and how to influence people.

Several suggestions were posted on every corner of the net to teach us how to fish friends, and some on how to find a true friend. As for me, true friend goes with a long term relationship and experiences shared, including bad times.

I have a number of friends, but few have I chosen to be special. By that, you probably know what type of person I am. Indeed I'm Skeptical, in which I believe we all need to be.

In this world that is full of criticism and condemning, we have to aide our hearts and kept them from prejudices of people, unfortunately at times these unfavorable opinions came from people we believe are our friends.

And when we realized it, then we turned our backs from people we know are friends and made them enemies.

However, through recollection, in order for you to win your enemies you have to know them closely.

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer!"

Does this mean that I have to deny my feelings and continue spurring as to what I, have perceived as friendship?

Thus I've taken a glimpsed on Matthew 5 : 43 - 48 :

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.


I've been anxious about these things lately, and in so much struggle in keeping my friends and those who I thought are special. Or maybe the reason is still not clear enough as to what their purpose in my life would be.

What if reaching out to those whom I feel special does not work? Will I just walk away and forget about the friendship built?

What if the people I believe for lifetime, yet later signs are telling me they're just for a reason?

Things are blurred and there's no turning back. Happy moments were gone, yet eager to be remembered. Mistakes were done and time spent will never be returned.

How will you escape and brake through all these anxiety that people had brought me?

And the funny thing is, I don't have any answers to my questions. Would this be the part when I just have to put my questions on the sand and leave them swept by the waves? Or better cling on to my GOD whom is way too big for my petty problems and let time answer it all?

I admit I am troubled by these. And yet I am told to continue to be friendly - and upon thinking, and by doing so, what will I lose if in time I'll regain what was lost.

Though I may not answer all the questions for now, I'm glad to know that I have faith that puts me on a passing grade - no matter what.

Still all for the Glory of God!

Born to be Reborn

April 20, 2010.

Days have gone old and so do I. Yet as I looked back all these years I saw nothing but few spots of good deeds that I have done. There are more blank spaces in which I interpreted as my unwanted ways.

And so while I'm reflecting on the years gone by, I realized that I'm almost half way to setting.

What did I do with my life? What have I done with my dreams? Where's my youth? How did I not focus?

I've had lots and lots of regrets with all the things and opportunities that I had not took chances, I grieved on what I have done wrong and on what good have I not done.

As I try to scan the pages of my years, with remorse I sigh a lot. Humbled I cried.

I felt hopeless for I know nothing I could do to change my past. Regrets, regrets and full of it.

Through the years I have tried to cover up my regrets with things that would cheer me up. Not realizing that there's always two sides in everything, I chose the wrong side of the coin.

Now my past has a foothold on me. And the torn is not something easy to bear. It eats up my endurance to hold on to life. My present is totally impaired. I've been feeling it - I am dying.

And my faith is slowly wearying out too. It frightens me a lot. Though I know GOD hears my cries, yet most of the time I let anxiety blurred my vision of HIM.

So I turned to people. Family and friends whom I can trust. But even in their presence, I felt hopeless. I felt fear. So I urged them to encourage me and to lift even a single part of me for hope, and it helped. It helped to the point that I gained my strength, to the point that I feel living again, yet it only remains for a very short while, then it's gone. And so I asked and asked - to the point of their exhaustion. And when they're all exhausted I felt pity for them, much more I pity myself.

So then I turned to church. I tried to explore few ministries that I could keep myself busy with. I let myself be part of activities that I know I enjoy. I tried exploring the remainder of my talents and gifts. And I have given it all. It made me glad that I tried not to get away with it. But it too remains for a very short while, then it's gone.

Now I'm damaged and emptied out of joy. In my everyday dealing with people I tried to hide the feeling. I hid the pain. I pretended I'm alright but am I not. And then I cried, a lot.

I have been searching for GOD yet I always fell into something ungodly. Things that add to my regrets.

I know I'm still holding on to my childhood dreams, yet doing what I'm doing at the present, my dreams are way out of my sight.

In hopelessness I turned to listen to our pastor's teachings on ways how to know GOD in a practical way.

So then it came.

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Like a shepherd, Jesus is there all along waiting for me to call for Him. I was lifted up.

As I continue listening to the teachings of Jesus, I was humbled in faith. And I cried. I cried a lot.

I know I am damaged and hollow, yet God's words had given me hope. Words that are full of compassion to sinful people - I myself included.

I know once in my life I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, yet I kept on forgetting it. Though I was holding to God, I too was clinched to my old worldly ways and ideas. I confessed I forgot I have Jesus at times.

And so I realized that my life had turned out this way because I, myself let it be and not let God be in it at all times. I've took control of my life, more I welcomed sin in it. In my comprehension, it's clear that without God in me, sin, suffering, pain and hopelessness took over.

And upon hearing His words again, I hungered for more words from Jesus. I hungered for salvation. I hungered for life.

Through my Zen Creative mp3, as our church's pastor was delivering a message of healing and salvation, I was moved by it. And I cried. I cried a lot.

The date was April 20, 2010 that I finally realized, comprehended and understood that it's Jesus I need, as my God and my Savior in my life. That I rebuked all sins and evil ways.


No one else but only Jesus completes, heals and saves.

I took note of the date for it's now a very important date of my life, the date when I was reborn through Jesus Christ.

And now living as a responsible Christian, with all my heart I have to proclaim and shout it. That beyond all miseries, heartaches, diseases and pains, I have my God, my Jesus that heals, protects, hears, comforts, cares, loves and saves me from eternal death. That when I am with Jesus I know I can do anything, for I believed that He is the God of the impossibles.

Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Jesus is a living God who reigns!

And though I know that my physical body may wear out and die, my soul will be lifted up through Jesus Christ.

All these years I've realized that living a life in this world is not simple, nor easy. There will be a so much pain, agony, discomfort, criticisms, condemning, hatred, jealousy, worldly pleasures, lusts, heartaches, rejections and all sorts of fears.
But living in simplicity through Jesus will you then say that life isn't just about pain, for there's healing in Jesus, not all about agony for there's serenity, not all about discomfort for in Jesus we are comforted, not all about criticisms and faultfinding for Jesus sees all the good in us, not about condemning but acceptance, not all about hatred because Jesus has first loved us, not about jealousy for Jesus has provided what is enough for all, nor it's about worldly pleasures for we are sons and daughters of God, citizens and heirs of heaven, not all about lusts for in Jesus there will be fulfillment of real and true happiness, not all about heartaches for in Jesus we all are emotionally secured, neither rejections for Jesus considers you as a member of the family and there will be no more fears for there's salvation in Jesus.

All you have to do is believe.

And when you finally do, then you'd say that life in this world, no matter how tough and hard it may be, only through Jesus then it's definitely worth living.

As my days are coming to an end, knowing Jesus Christ led me to eradicate all my regrets and live my present to the fullest. We've been given once shot in life and life is too short for us not to enjoy God's creation. And even if we believed that we have wasted much time, use the remainder of your life to praise and glorify God here on earth. So practice now, for we will continue praising and worshiping God for eternity in heaven.

Our pastor has shared a simple equation on how to live life to the fullest. In everyday life, we've been given choices, it's an opportunity to do good or a chance to do bad. You always have to choose, and in choosing, forget not to pray, and always remember to consider :

none for satan

less of Me

ALL for GOD!

It was the 11th of March.

Last night's dream wasn't as vivid as I have had once but it was somehow clear.

I arrived at an island, with a tiny old house that seemed isolated. The house, as I recall it, appeared as a single story building, with Capiz-tiled windows. It seemed almost like a typical Spanish-era house. Definitely made of wood.

I then realized that I was with a group of people. Seemed like a tour.

We moved around the house, when I recognized that the walls are full of paintings, different masterpieces all inside this small house.

Masterpieces that ranged from portraits, landscapes to panoramas.

The feeling was odd as these masterpieces were I hardly ever seen. Pictures of faces yet unknown to me. Landscapes taken ashore, some on top of a hill, forests and few with rivers and streams. Being a lover of art, I confessed, I was totally amazed by what I saw.

Though the amazement has filled me up, yet there was an awkward feeling of uneasiness. When the level of anxiety increased, I decided to get out of the house and breathed some air.

I walked to the back of the house, trying to familiarize myself as to whom it belongs, yet I could hardly recognized any of my relatives had ever lived in such a lonely place.

Few meters from the house ran the shoreline. Raging waves came crushing the shore and on boulders. Winds hushed roughly as if a storm is about to hit the island.

An old house will not stand a heavy storm I guessed, then I tried looking for some options where I would consider a safer place to be.

A stall stands not far from the back of house. Then I found myself walking towards it.

As I looked back, an open window of the old shanty made me see pictures hanging on the walls. I decided to ignore it.

Walking near to the stall I've seen few men, wearing hard hats and orange overalls, eating "lugaw".

This served as their dining area after a hard days in construction. Though I hardly seen any buildings being built around the area.

I asked for direction from a lady serving "lugaw" to these men.

And she pointed eastward.

As I walked towards the direction, I realized that this stall, which I have seen at a distance, was as fine dining resto, resting at the edge of the island.

The weather has changed. Then I recognized ferries sailing at the back of this resto, just like the ferry boats of Pasig river.

Once what I known to be an island settling at no where, was now an island right at the center of Pasig River.

Across the river were factories that are familiar to me. The infrastructures that I've been seeing everyday when I go to work are the same buildings that I've found in my dreams.

I felt peace when I saw familiar places.

As I walked toward the direction that I have been directed. I found myself standing at the middle of a crowded sidewalk just right below a light railway train station.

A small "sari-sari" store was on my right. As I was looking at the local phone machine, I was offered something to eat.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are getting clearer nowadays, and until now I'm in awe as to what could be the heavens trying to tell me.

Things that has happened may have lingered in my thoughts and unconsciously, these experiences could have affected my rest. But what about those unfamiliar places, things, faces and events? Could they be telling me something.

One thing's for sure, I may not know what lies ahead, but my GOD knows. Therefore I could and would and should not hold on to my dreams for things to come, but to GOD who knows me, my past, present and future.

Hold on to GOD my friends, and put your faith, no matter how small it could be, to HIM and HIM alone!

Be blessed!

A Vivid Dream

The feeling was awful when I woke up this morning. My throat seemed to hurt a bit and my body's too weak to face the day. I felt helpless that I decided not to go to work and simply stayed at home...and rest.

As I was trying to reminisce the reasons behind my indisposition, I remember a dream, so vivid that it made me look for it's meaning, reason and purpose.

Let me share to you, as far as I can remember it, my dream. I've posted some pictures that serves as a resemblance to what I've perceived.


I was in a room with my office colleagues (Lyle and Sela - the images I only remember), which I have interpreted as a sleeping quarter. There in the middle I saw a bed, with a striped cotton yellow and white bedspread. Blurry but I remember a double deck too. The room was a bit dim, as colored curtains covering two perpendicular windows, blocked the light from the outside. The room resembled mostly like my boarding room when I was in High School. There were no talking inside the room. "Clicks" and "Cellphone Rings" were the only sound I heard.

Then I went out of the room, leaving both my cellphones on the corner table, right beside the bed. I was wearing a t-shirt (the color I could not remember or hardly could I recognized), a khaki cargo shorts a pair of green sandals. Just as I walked out the door, I realized I was on a second-story building.

But it wasn't just a building, it was the main building of Don Bosco Technical Institute, the place where I studied in high school. And as I could remember it, and by the looks of it, the place was somehow converted as an evacuation center. The place wasn't tidy as it used to. Dirt and dusts were all over the hallway. I walked downstairs and found myself walking on a highway.


I was wandering the length of Baywalk in Pasay City.

I wasn't surprised in my dream, as it came to me nearly real. It seemed very realistic. I even looked back and saw the roof of the building I was in.

All my emotions are there, except for a hint of my sense of smell.

I passed by people, faces that I've never known, yet I believed had existed and had I probably seen at one point in my life. It was a typical day in Baywalk. I've seen summer skies with fluffy clouds meeting horizon, and the palm tress shading my path made my spirit glad.

Ships and small boats sailing peacefully at the Manila Bay has never been but a perfect view to me.

As I shifted my eyes on my right, I saw towering buildings which have been there as always. Then at a distance, which I assumed somewhere around Manila Capitol, my eyes caught a group of towering buildings which are new to me. They were about four to five of them, with different heights and designs, but all made up of glass. They didn't seem to protrude any special in them, except for few noticeable smokes projecting from below.

Then I was stunned with what I saw.

The rear most building started to collapse, then by the order of distance, the others followed with a quake. A distinctively humongous gray smoke fumed up whenever a building collapsed. Explosions were heard there after.

Then I heard screams and shouts. People on different locations ran, opposing the scene. Cars screeched as drivers trying to avoid to hit a thing.

Chaos was all over.

As I was standing still, buildings wobbled and one by one they too fall. In front of me were few buildings, considerably skyscrapers, left standing. Based on the manner of events I knew somehow they too will go down.

Then I was shaken, to the point that I've lost my balance. The ground excessively trembled. It was then I only knew that I was standing above an active fault line, so do the rest of the buildings in front of me. I step backwards slowly, and with a thought I remember my calling my family and friends, only to realize that I don't have my cellphones with me. Too late, I reckon. Cracked lined and ran Roxas Boulevard, grounds shoot few feet upwards and debris were pouring all over the place. I have no idea but I had a feeling that it was coming for me.

Frightened, I ran as fast as I could. Then I was relieved when I reached the fountain of Malate.

The place seemed untouched, and no ones in panic, yet I could still see the turmoil from where I've been at a distance - and is still coming. I knew I ran fast, but I didn't know how I managed to run in a dash...surely the energy was there.

PUVs were taking U-Turns in this area when they saw what was coming. There I took a tricycle driven by a young lady.

As the face wasn't familiar at all, I never had a chance to know her name. The driving was slow and while she does, tears flowed down her cheeks. She has a pretty small face with a tan complexion and a heavy black straight hair, a typical Filipina. She was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. We talked a little, in which I learned that her boyfriend dumped her. But I've forgotten the rest of her story.

As we drove, I've noticed that the bay's activities had changed. Towering waves is fast approaching our way. And it hit the land. Chaos has taken over the place, this time it was caused by water.

Terrified, I took the wheels and zoomed our way out of Roxas Boulevard. I drove it straight, until we reached a small fishing village.

There I saw unfamiliar faces, a lot of them. Faces ranged from children to grannies. Yet even though they were only part of my dream, their faces remained in my mind as I am writing this - as though they were part of me. It seems like they were real. The area was new to me. It was like a typical slum around a port metro, surrounded by water. The water here was a little less calm than where we came from. Winds blew hard and here I felt peace.

But my mind wasn't at peace. I thought of my family, I thought of mama. I have to go back. But how? I made several attempts to get some answers from the villagers but all they did is stare at me. Without a single word.

The lady driver was still sobbing and I felt pity for her.

I've left with no choice but to find my way out - alone. To find my family and friends. To warn them as to what is happening and what might happen. And so I drove off believing that I'll be headed back to where I came from - and so I was.

Floods are rising in the area of Malate. Unmanned cruising ships crashing the buildings. I gazed on the unimaginable frozen. And then I saw a dry porch of a convenient store in the area. Bay's at front and I saw dozens of shipwrecked. I have witnessed how some of the fishing vessels were pushed by the water towards the land clashing with the buildings. And I have no idea why there's a dry place despite of a rising water, but I stood there for a while waiting and hoping that somebody will come to offer assistance.

Standing for a certain time that seemed endless, I saw a ferry boat. This one is almost as big as a regular passenger's bus (resembled like a ferry boat used to cross-island in some parts of US and Europe), full of people (probably passengers) sailed towards me.

But as I realized, it wasn't sailing as people inside are all screaming and shouting. The waves took control of the boat and it was moving slowly towards my direction. I knew somehow it will hit the store, the porch and me. So I kept prepared and ready to face it. As the boat drifted sideways to my direction, I dash out of a small exit before it crushed me. With few inches left, the boat almost collided with the building - but was left with no scratch at all.

Not a sound was heard from the people inside the boat. They all came out unharmed and in silence they're all gone.

Left inside the boat was my mother holding a little girl.

The girl's face wasn't familiar at all, no name was even mentioned, but it seems like she was part of the family - co'z I felt like it.

My mama was amazed to see her son escape a death defying act. And so I recall her saying "Ang galing ah!". I've never seen my mama in two years and I miss her much. The dream had brought us together, though it wasn't a happy ending. I told her what was happening, and what we need to do. However the unthinkable happened. She went back to the boat, still holding the girl in her right and said that she has to do the right thing.

And then the boat left.

Sun's setting and the place's back to normal again.


So I woke up tired and sick.

Dreams do tell something. As for me, I've checked the meaning of this vivid dream of mine and I'm still trying to digest how my unconsciousness affected the outcome of my dreams. The meaning revealed in the internet and I wasn't pleased.

So from now on, I will leave everything that is about to happen to GOD. For HE knows everything that has happened, is happening and is about to happen. And nothing's more safer than that of HIS hands.

As for you my dear brothers and sisters, be safe in the hands of GOD.

GOD SPEED!

A Day to Remember

We celebrate the day of our birth annually - and we can never deny it. We are getting a year older every year. Though the thought of being an old man one day frightens me when I was just a kid. And it still frightens me to know that I'm halfway there.

At the age of 10, grown ups who's 25 years old and above I considered old people. When I reached the age of 18, I considered grownups to be around 35 years old and above.

And now that I have reached my 29th birthday, I considered people around 50 and above to be old people.

But I realized that one day I too will be 35, 40 and hopefully 50 years old, in which will be considered old. But who then will I considered old when the average lifespan of a human being is just around 60 - 80 years old.

When I was a kid, I did ask a whole lot of questions to people around me and most of the time to myself. Some were answered vaguely, some were clear but most of the time I got no answer.

Inquiries started to pile up in my mind as to why we really have to grow old, when we can enjoy the fruits while young. The idea of getting old, wrinkled face and slow motion activity, really frightens me as a kid.

However as time passed by, I realized that wisdom and knowledge has to be earned. And through life's experiences will you only understand things in a much more clearer perspective. You have to grow old to experience these things.

In the Book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon expressed his ideas about living life here on earth. For him it was "utterly meaningless".

Utterly meaningless?! - So then why do we have to grow old? And growing old in wisdom and in truth?

Then through wisdom, a realization materialized.

For the same reason that GOD wants us to experience and enjoy life here on earth as gift from heaven. GOD loves us so much that HE provided us with our needs. GOD wants us to grow in spirit, wisdom and in truth so we'll be able to sing our praises to HIM. Only then we will understand.

Instead of complaining for additional wrinkles and soggy arms, be grateful. Every birthday is a gift from GOD.

For I am grateful that GOD has extended my life here on earth to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I am grateful that GOD had provided me incomparable blessings, for me and my household. I am grateful that GOD is still the same GOD yesterday, today and tomorrow.

A GOD justice yet full of compassion, full or mercy, full of love. I really might not be able to express who really GOD is in each of our lives, for the reason that understanding and searching GOD is a personal approach that each must take.

I am still on my journey in understanding GOD in my life. And so on this day, September 11, 2009 - my 29th Birthday, despite all the sickness, heartaches, pains, sorrows and struggles, I humbled down myself to the Lord, acknowledging, praising, worshiping and thanking HIM for everything that happened to me.

These all for the glory of GOD. Amen.

Blog Offered to a Woman

It was on the 5th of August, last year, when Malacanang declared it as a non working special holiday in order to give respect to funeral and burial rights of President Cory Aquino.


Private sectors however were exempted, therefore I have to work, and only get an extra bonus for the effort exerted. August 5 was just one of the normal days before, not until the burial of our president.

As I ran through my old pictures, I've realized that on this occasion, our group in the office had been united in one color - yellow. The color of liberty which was exemplified by President Cory Aquino.

Unity comes handy when and only when people expressed the same feelings. Filipinos in general tend to comfort those who are mourning, sympathy to loss. And when we lost someone who we believed have contributed to us, as individuals and to the country, we patronized it.

While most in the country were on the streets, mourning and waiting for the convoy our president's burial, some might be at home simply watching the news, we (together with my office mates and I) were at office, wearing yellow shirts to show our gratitude, for an exceptional service to the country.

The burial of the president was one of the historic events in the Philippines with an anticipated hundreds of thousands of Filipinos, rich and poor, young and old to participate.

Though I might not know her totally, the stories from my folks and grand folks made it clear to me that she has indeed gained the trust of the Filipino people - through democracy and freedom.